Fall is here. And this year I'm ready. I've swept the deck and stocked up on Halloween candy but most important, I've got a terrific jump on my winter pallor.

In past years, I've gone into autumn with a fading summer tan that lingered for months.  This time, though, I did it right.  I stayed pale all summer, and I'm heading into October with a beautiful pallor - smooth, even, all-over fish-belly white.  No strap marks, no golden-brown afterglow, not even a stray freckle.  I mean, I am really pale.

In fact, to look at me, you'd think I spent the entire summer at an expensive resort near Seattle.  You know, the sort of place where the People people go to get pale...  spa cuisine and guaranteed overcast 342 days a year.  I'm so pale I look like I've just come back from a midwinter vacation in St. Paul, or at least a month in Buffalo.

Some of my friends think I spent a fortune getting this pallor, but actually I never left Lakewood.  This smooth ivory look didn't come from any paling parlor, either.  No, indeed.  I got this flawless pallor in my spare time, right in my own home.  And I'm happy to tell you how I did it.

My technique involves a small room fitted with ordinary lights and a computer. On those balmy, blue-sky days when everyone else is outside walking, playing tennis, or lying on the beach, mindlessly developing tans that will plague them well into November, I go into that room.  Then I close the door, turn on all the lights, boot up the computer and write, sometimes for hours on end.  Oh, sure, it takes discipline, and you have to be willing to give up some free time, but I figure that's the price you pay to look this good.

Even if you don't work at home as I do, you can still get pale.  In fact, there's some evidence that the fluorescent lights normally found in commercial buildings may be even more effective than home lighting.  And there's no doubt that basking in the glow of a computer monitor will pale you faster than almost any other method.

Some people find it convenient to work on their pallor during their lunch hours, eating tuna fish sandwiches at their desks while they finish overdue reports.  Others find it easier to pale after five, by extending their time at the office an hour or two.

Over lunch, after work, or even on weekends, it doesn't matter when you get pale.  However you choose to do it, a regular schedule of short sessions is best.  No one should try to get a pallor all in one afternoon.  You have to do it gradually.

No, I didn't get this pale overnight, but it was worth every minute I spent on it.  Now, when people enviously inquire, "Have you been in San Francisco?  Where did you get that great pallor?" I don't say a thing.  I just smile.