"Travel Talk" by Jan C. Snow in Lakewood Ohio

You may know that I’ve been on a bit of a winter vacation. While I’m not quite generous enough to take you all with me, I’m more than willing to share some of what I’ve learned on this and other journeys. In order to assist you in the planning and successful execution of your next vacation, here are some travel terms in common use with their nearest English language equivalents.

Ratings of accommodations, for example, are given in a sort of code. “Standard accommodations” means only one towel, “deluxe accommodations,” two towels. “Luxurious accommodations,” two towels and a basketful of miniature toiletries. “All the amenities?” The television may work.

While you are on vacation, you don’t just eat – you dine. “Fine dining” indicates you can probably get ice cubes and a slice of lemon in your water if you ask. “Leisurely dining” means the service is slow. “Casual dining,” the service is slow and the people at the next table are wearing biker shirts and ballcaps. “Family dining?” Sorry, no wine.

Speaking of beverages, “complimentary cocktail” means three ounces of spiked fruit punch in a paper cup. “Complimentary champagne cocktail,” three ounces of spiked Tang in a plastic glass. “Meals include unlimited wine” tells you the vintage is Tuesday.

Conveyances are similarly coded. A motorcoach, of course, is a bus. “Deluxe motorcoach” is a bus with fairly clean windows. “Superdeluxe motorcoach,” a bus with clean windows and a lavatory that may work.

Adjectives relating to atmosphere and location are especially tricky. “Sun-drenched” usually translates as desert. “Ocean breezes” as constant gale. “Tropical” means a nice steady rain, and “invigorating” tells you it’s too cold to go swimming, even in August.

“Quaint” equals shabby. “Old world charm,” the bathroom’s down the hall. “Historic,” in sore need of renovation. “Relaxing pace,” totally boring. “Off the beaten path” means not right on the interstate. “Secluded,” two miles from the interstate. “All the comforts of home?” You can get an extra towel if you ask.

In reference to shopping, “charming local crafts” means bird feeders carved from coconuts. “Unbelievable bargains” or “shoppers’ paradise,” the bird feeders carved from coconuts are cheap. “Duty-free shopping?” There’s no limit on how many bird feeders carved from coconuts you can bring home.

“Options galore” tells you everything costs extra, just as “explore on your own” means you pay for it yourself. “Nominal charge” equals outrageous charge. “Affordable?” You can always mortgage your home.

“First name in travel,” AAAA-1 Tours. “Other attractions too numerous to mention,” means a go-kart track, miniature golf and a closed local history museum behind the library. And “dedicated staff?” You can get an ice cube and a slice of lemon in your water. If you ask.