Are you lonely?

Judging from the number of so-called personal ads filling the back pages of publications these days, you must be.  It would seem that everyone is desperate for companionship.  Naturally, I have a better suggestion and my way is not only surefire, it’s free... although not necessarily less embarrassing.

If you’re lonely, go to the Discount Drug Mart near my house.  No matter what time of day you go there, you will run into scads of people, people you haven’t seen in years, people you haven’t even thought of in years and may prefer not to.

Just try – I dare you – just try to duck in quickly for a half gallon of milk and a tube of caulking.  You’ll meet up with at least two women from your church who are in the mood for a leisurely chat.  Shake them and you’ll run smack into the guy who’s chairing the community arts fundraising drive. I’m betting you won’t get beyond cough and cold remedies without agreeing to be on the committee.

Wander over to hair care and there, amid dandruff shampoos and deep conditioners, will be your former yoga instructor, a guy you always sort of liked.  But now he’s selling life insurance.  Or cemetery plots, which, at this point, may not seem like such a bad idea.

Step back to the pharmacy and you’ll meet up with at least three people you thought about sending Christmas cards to last year but didn’t because you hadn’t seen them for so long you weren’t sure they’d remember you.  Well, don’t worry.

No way you’ll be able to skulk past them anonymously.  These people, and everyone else you run into, will recall your face and your name immediately.  Give them a minute and they’ll remember where you used to live, your employment history and the names of your children, maybe even that of your dog.

You will see all of these people – rather, they will see you – because before you ran up to Drug Mart, you were cleaning your gutters.  Since you weren’t finished with the job when you stopped for lunch and discovered you were out of milk, you didn’t bother to change out of the old sweatshirt with the torn elbow and the Rustoleum on the front... the sweatshirt you wear with the baggy grease-stained work pants, the ones with the broken zipper.

Of course, your hair is a mess.  It’s disheveled and probably has gutter debris clinging to it.  And you didn’t shower that morning.  Why would you if you were planning on spending the better part of the day cleaning the gutters?

Go up to Drug Mart looking rested and fit on a really good hair day and you will not see a soul who knows you.  Head for the store wearing your latest casual outfit from Land’s End and you are utterly alone in this world.  You might as well spring for a personal ad.

When you’ve been doing anything like cleaning the gutters or spreading manure on your garden, you will always run into everyone you don’t want to see or, more to the point, everyone you would rather not have see you in this condition.

And I mean everyone.  It’s a given that your ex will be standing in the check-out line, as well as your ex’s latest Significant Other who is guaranteed to be younger, thinner and better-looking than you.

Of course, at this point, anybody looks better than you.  Which is why when you bump into an old friend of your mother’s over by the greeting cards – where you are hiding until your ex leaves the store – you can count on the old friend to call your mother and raise concerns about your mental health.  Naturally, this will upset your mother who will call your older sister who will come over to your house within the hour, dragging your brother-in-law with her, to find out what in the world is wrong with you.

They won’t believe that you look this way only because you were cleaning the gutters.  Neither will your mother.  But at least you’ll have company.  Maybe you can even get them to help you move the ladder...